Daily Journal and Reports of Axel, Number Eight
by Keri Maxwell
Summary: With occasional commentary by the Superior, Xemnas, Number One, who is generally not amused with said writings, and Roxas, Number Thirteen and Resident Lust Object. Axel-centric, now with Akuroku, a million and a half other pairings.
1. Day 314 to 325

So, this is something of an experiment to see if my sense of humor is even remotely like other people's. :D This will more or less follow the canon timeline, but make a mockery of the characters involved. As mentioned in the summary, this is from Axel's point of view, with interspersed comments from Xemnas and Roxas (and occasionally others). It's pretty straight forward, but just to be sure, Xemnas is usually in _italics_ and Roxas is usually in **bold**.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. sadfaise

* * *

**Day 314**

So we got a new member today.

He's short.

**Day 315**

And mean. At least he kicked Demyx in the shins when he started laughing at me. Ow, my knee.

Also, Mansex gave me a mission today. At least, I think he did. This is what he said, verbatim (more or less):

_Blah blah blah, talking to Saïx, something about Luxord, Kingdom Hearts is awesome. Number Eight, _(he doesn't really do names) _I want you to go to Wonderland to determine the merit of making the Queen of Hearts, her King, and her cards into formidable creatures of darkness. Depart tomorrow. Also, you have really nice hair._

Okay, I added the last part. It would be creepy if Mansex said that, but I do have really nice hair. Anyways, I'm fairly certain he wants me to play Hearts (but maybe Solitaire) in the dark while high. I'm pretty sure I can do this.

**Day 316**

Well, it turns out that it didn't really matter if I was high or not because Wonderland was it's own special sort of drug. That place was weird. I bet Demyx or Xigbar would have a blast though. All in all it went pretty well, except for a small bout of nausea from walking on the walls of this one room.

--  
Mission Report #31602

Agent: Me (also known as Axel)

Location: Wonderland

Date: Febtember Umpteenth, 1001 (Seriously, Mansex, nobody on these stupid worlds has a calendar)

Mission: check out Queen of Hearts and cards to further the purpose of Organization XIII and the glory of Kingdom Hearts, etc. etc. propaganda, something about Heartless.

Conclusion: Queen of Hearts generally useless, card army fell like a...house of cards. Some inhabitants could possibly be employed as psychological warfare. (The Mad Hatter and March Hare come to mind)  
_  
_Damage:  
Broken teacup and saucer (1)  
Slightly burnt set of walking, talking playing cards (37)  
_  
_Expenses:  
Antique teacup and saucer (1) x 1500munny  
Deck of playing cards (1) x 75munny  
Can of tuna (3) x 100munny  
Water dish (1) x 400munny

Total 2275munny

Gains:  
Talking, disappearing cat (1)

Comments: _Number Eight, neither I nor the others find it amusing when you deliberately misinterpret orders. Furthering our cause is not propaganda, it is part of our mission statement. There are calendars in the supply closet (2nd floor, Small Closet of Things past the Nook of Darkness, before the Stairs to Eternity). None of your expenses will be reimbursed. As per our code of standards, refer to me in all official documents as the Superior, Xemnas, or Number One. Another infraction will result in disciplinary measures._

_I better not see that cat.  
_--

So yeah, a pretty good mission. I am going to have so much fun with this cat. As I recall, Larxene has been something of an extra bitchy bitch lately. And Mansex doesn't have a thing to worry about. It's a _disappearing_ cat after all. He may hear it though. Is that a loophole I see?

I think I should mention how weird it is to walk around counting card casualties (alliteration!) right after you just burnt them to a crisp. I mean, burnt them slightly. Especially when you have to tell them to stop screaming and yelling because you lost count. Awkwaaaard.

Also, the new kid's name is Roxas. So far he's mostly a blonder, meaner Zexion.

**Day 317**

Demyx was bemoaning the loss of his popsicles in front of the fridge this morning. For some reason, New Kid was with him. Someone that small shouldn't be that scary. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's a height requirement; somewhere around 5' 8" sounds about right. There is no height requirement for girls, for they are always scary. (Especially Larxene. She reads torture lit as a guide for practical application.)

Anyways, popsicles. My sources (the cat) tell me they are stuck in various test tubes and expensive stuff in Vexen's lab. I didn't even do it this time. Oooo, mystery. Let's see here:

Mansex: Too busy making the Organization an evil bureaucracy.  
Xigbar: Possibly. He usually doesn't need too much of a motive either. Use of Demyx's popsicles doesn't sound like him though.  
Xaldin: Not his style.  
Vexen: Victim, though this may be a ploy to get new lab equipment.  
Lexaeus: Not really the pranking sort.  
Zexion: More likely to take his anger out on Vexen in the form of a debate using lots of Latin phrases.  
Saïx: Too busy assisting Mansex's creation of an evil bureaucracy.  
Me: Hahaha, it wasn't me!  
Demyx: Would never sacrifice popsicles for the sake of a mere prank.  
Luxord: Could have lost a bet. Haha, Luxord never loses a bet.  
Marluxia: Total creeper. It was probably him.  
Larxene: Her pranks involve more blood.  
New Kid: Doubtful. So far, all signs point to him becoming a new member of the Bonkers Blonds Club (sans Luxord. His is bleached after all), and they're either too sadistic or too air headed for pranks.

Looks as though the prime suspect is Marluxia, although Xigbar and Vexen are likely possibilities. I shall now go forth and let someone else handle it because I don't really care.

**Day 318**

Well, I care now.

Today sucked. I totally got framed and they wouldn't even let me use the cat as a witness! I'm now stuck on patrol duty for the next week and a half. (It was that or scrubbing the bathrooms, and I will leave that to the Dusks, thankyouverymuch.)

**Day 319**

Holy shit, it was the New Kid! I should be a reporter! (The cat really helps) Breaking news from the Castle that Never Was, Vexen is a creepy pedophile with a really awful sense of dirty talk! More at eleven.

And now I need a shower.

**Day 320**

I have decided, as a show of solidarity to another who has experienced Vexen's creepiness (this includes Six on down, except for Saïx. Zexion gets bonus points for being _alive_ for Vexen's creepiness), I shall not rat out the New Kid. I will also stop referring to him as New Kid now that he has been properly initiated into the Organization via sexual harassment. Oh, memories.

I will, however, blackmail him into helping me on night patrol. Maybe writing my log reports too.

**Day 321**

I must admit, I am rather good at the blackmailing. It might have helped that I told New K--, I mean Roxas, his punishment would be helping Vexen in his lab should his crime be revealed...and then proceeded to list off various horrible half-true things that Vexen had done. (Like create human clones. He wasn't so great at this yet, but he was getting there, that's for sure) You should have seen his face!

Okay, so it didn't change much, but it was definitely on the haunted/horrified end of the stoic spectrum. And now I have a buddy for my nightly Heartless stompings. Speaking of, I didn't have to go on patrol tonight because Mansex had declared (via Saïx) that today was Filing Day. He clearly has no respect for the chronological-layers system of organization.

And Congrats to Roxas for surviving his first week in the Organization. Yay!

**Day 322**

Patrol is so lame. All it is is walking around in circles, whacking at Heartless that are too close to the castle.

Or so I had thought. Usually, that's how it goes; a few hours out in the cold, sometimes with rain, sometimes without, some more dead Heartless to your name, followed by an exhausted sleep. But, _no_, Roxas has to whip out his special card and draw a whole damn city's worth of Heartless to our doorstep. Thanks a lot, Roxas. You were supposed to make this job easier.

I suppose if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, he looked rather surprised as well. Like, an actual facial reaction and everything. So even if it was all his fault, at least it wasn't intentional? I dunno, I'm not so good on this forgiveness thing. It's not like the Organization really encourages it either. I mean, Xaldin still hasn't forgiven me for taking the last breakfast muffin four months ago. Whatever, it is so Roxas' (that is really hard to say, by the way) fault and I will irrationally hold a grudge for at least the next two weeks or until he redeems himself. Bonus points if said redemption involves Marluxia and cyanide.

--  
Patrol Record #1024

Agent: Me (Axel)

Clock-in Time: 9:17  
Clock-out Time: asscrack of dawn **5:08**

Encounters: A shit-ton **324 **Holy crap, you counted? **No, retard. The least you could do is make up bullshit that sounds convincing. **I'm not a retard. You suck.

Issues: Roxas is a fucking Heartless magnet. **I am not. **You totally are. **I don't see how that's a problem anyways.**

Comments: _This is important documentation vital to the smooth inner workings of the Organization, not a personal message board to sling insults and profanity. Number Eight, do not bring extra members on patrol unless it is cleared with the Defense Committee.  
_--  
_  
_**Day 323**

Now that I think about it, I really haven't seen Larxene or Marluxia around a lot lately. If they're off cavorting around with each other after they both turned me down, I am gonna be so pissed.

Wait, no I'm not. Those assholes deserve each other.

--  
Patrol Record #1027

Agent: Me (Axel)

Clock-in Time: 9-ish **9:11  
**Clock-out Time: 5-ish **4:55**

Encounters: Still a shit-ton because Roxas is a Heartless magnet.

Issues: Roxas left me to fill out this paperwork all by myself. Also, I skinned my knee.

Comments: _Number Eight, you have yet to file an Addition Patrol Support form to the Defense Committee. Minor injuries do not constitute an issue. Number Thirteen should not be filling out this paperwork since he is not supposed to be on patrol with you in the first place. You are coming very close to a serious infraction.  
_--_  
_  
**Day 324**

Nothing happened at all today. Even patrol was boring since Roxas the Heartless Magnet Wonder was off doing something somewhere.

Larxene and Marluxia still nowhere to be found.

--  
Patrol Record #1030

Agent: Axel

Clock-in Time: Does it really matter? It's not like  
Clock-out Time: we're getting paid for this.

Encounters: Like, 5.

Issues: Patrol is fuck-all boring.

Comments: _Accurate time-stamps are necessary to empirically evaluate how much work each member is doing in order to ascertain individual rewards once the objective is complete. Do not omit these on your following reports.  
_--_  
_  
**Day 325**

Zexion made cupcakes! He's my new favorite.

Unfortunately, this launched the Superior into a monologue about how we don't have feelings and emotions and therefore should not experience the simple joy that comes from baked goods. Yea verily, so on and so forth ad nauseum.

Of course, he got all offended and called me a "faux-intellectual undermining the objective" when I brought up the idea that his work towards an evil bureaucracy was the desire for the comfort of order manifesting itself. Saïx passed me a note that said "Stop making up bullshit. And watch your back after dark." which means I'll have some new scars in a few weeks. Yippee. Saïx is such an ass-kissing douchebag.

And I still can't figure out if what I said was, in fact, bullshit or not.

Still no sign of the freak pair, though the garden remains well maintained and full of flesh-eating plants.

--  
Patrol Record #1033

Agent: Me (Axel (again))

Clock-in Time: ix:xv  
Clock-out Time: iii:vii

Encounters: 6...maybe

Issues: Marluxia's plants tried to eat me.

Comments: _Seeing as the 'Issues' field is on a Patrol Record form, it would hopefully imply that the issues are to regard said patrol and nothing else. The Review Committee is growing tired of your asinine remarks on official Organization documents.  
_--

Ooo, look at that. Mansex gave my report to Saïx tonight. He is well versed in sarcasm, but not so much in humor.

Roxas was still doing something somewhere. My blackmail isn't working out too well for me.

* * *

So, lemme know what you think! More specifically, let me know if you thought it was too bland or boring or something along those lines. Because that's bad humor. D:


	2. Day 326 to 336

Thanks to everyone for the really warm feedback! It's very much appreciated. :D Not much else to say except, once again: Xemnas is usually _italics _and Roxas is usually **bold**.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

**Day 326**

At this very moment, I am holed up in a very dark and somewhat cramped supply room all because Larxene decided that today would be the day she and Marluxia finally reappeared from wherever they were. She just went completely batshit and started threatening me with loss of life and limb. Her behavior is completely irrational if you ignore the fact that I was trying to get some vodka from her hidden liquor stash under her bed when she walked in.

Anyways, I figure this is a pretty good hiding spot because it's generally believed that I don't know where any of the supply rooms/closets are and that I will run far, far away from Larxene. In addition, there's a row of file cabinets along the back wall that I've pulled out so I can hide behind them.

Oh, and Roxas is here too. Apparently Vexen found out he was the real culprit behind the popsicle incident and was Not Happy. Between the two of us we have the Triumvirate of Good Reasons to Hide. (The third being that Marluxia the creeper is back.)

I've got the cat scouting out for us, but I really hope he comes back soon so I can pop into the kitchen and grab some snacks.

Oh shit, I think someo--

**You're making too much noise!**

Am not. Were these lights always this bright?

**How would I know? And stop fidgeting, you'll hit the file cabinets.**

You'd be fidgeting too if your life was about to end.

**Whatever, just be qui--**

It was just Lexaeus. Good, I'm fairly certain he won't rat us out. I know he doesn't like me much, but I don't think he cares much for Larxene or Vexen either.

o l o l **x.**  
...l **x **l **x.****  
**. o l . l **x .**

Roxas sucks.

Hey, the cat's back. Food time!

**Day 327**

Well, this morning was certainly awkward and uncomfortable. For starters, my back was complaining like you wouldn't believe from sleeping all scrunched up and I had a zipper imprint on my face from using my jacket as a pillow. I had also managed to put my foot right on a plate of powdered mini-donuts. And _someone_ had written 'Axel is a pussy' on my arm in blue sharpie.

That's alright. I'm sure that _someone _will just love what I've written on his forehead.

Hint: It uses the words "Vexen's" and "bitch".

--  
Patrol Record #1039

Agent: Axel (shock)

Clock-in Time: late  
Clock-out Time: later

Encounters: None. Nothing at all. Laaaaame. (I think they're on holiday)

Issues: Sharpie doesn't come off with soap.

Comments: _Number Eight, as I have previously mentioned_, _accurate time-stamps are necessary. It has been determined that your continued insubordination and lack of accuracy on official documents, not to mention missing your assigned round the previous night, is a serious enough infraction that it warrants a meeting with the Disciplinary Committee.  
_--

Ahaha, Roxas wore his hood up all day. It's really unfortunate (for him) that his hood is so large. I would shave my head to see him run into an open freezer door again. Except the part where he tackled me when I started laughing. It was doubly painful because I couldn't stop laughing even with the wind knocked out of me.

Ugh, discipline. Fight the Man! Eh, he'll probably just give me a shitty mission or something. As insubordinate as I am, at least I'm competent. (I'm looking at you, Xigbar/Vexen/Demyx)

Larxene is gone again. (Yay, liquor!) Marluxia is still here. (Boo, molestation!)

**Day 328**

What the fuck is Mansex _on_? _Acid_? Get this, my punishment is to fucking _duel _Saïx. A duel! This is supposed to be an evil bureaucracy, not an evil feudal lordship! I swear, either Saïx is performing sexual favors or he's filling out all of the Superior's paperwork _and _making up new ridiculous forms for them to use.

It better be the latter because I so do not want to even think about the former.

And _of course _I have to fight Saïx. He's the only one with shiny special moon powers and, oh yeah, _it's always night here! _

RRG.

I'm gonna go torch Marluxia's room.

--  
Patrol Record #1042

Agent: AXEL DAMMIT

Clock-in Time: FUCK  
Clock-out Time: YOU

Encounters: A FUCKING LOT, ASSHOLES.

Issues: SAÏX KISSES THE SUPERIOR'S ASS.

Comments: _In light of recent events, I am willing to disregard this form so long as you fill out a replacement within the next twenty-four hours.  
_--

**Day 329**

I hate Saïx so much. Like, a lot. There is no amount of vitriolic ranting that could encompass my hate for him in word form. Mere ink on paper cannot do it justice. If Larxene and Marluxia and Vexen had some freaky mutated offspring with all of their horrible traits, I would still like it better than Saïx. At least I managed to burn some of his hair off in the fight. Now it does this weird thing where it kind of sticks up in the back. Stupid ass-face.

Demyx is nice though. Especially when he's giving me a backrub. Xigbar, Zexion and Roxas are here as well. Xigbar is pretty cool even if he is one of the senior group. Zexion, too, I guess. They'd be my 'connection' to the top, but everyone knows that your number isn't the same as your rank around here.

Xigbar's walking around the ceiling. Roxas looks distinctly annoyed by this for some reason. Haha, it's kinda cute.

Oh fuck, I did not just write that.

--  
Patrol Record #1045

Agent: 8

Clock-in Time: 9:13  
Clock-out Time: 2:45

Encounters: 11

Issues: I'm a fucking moron.

Comments: _Please refrain from using profanity in official documents. However, the Review Committee would like it known that the change in attitude is appreciated. We hope that further discipline is not required in the future._

**Day 330**

He is cute, isn't he?

Dammit, this happens every time we get a new member. And have I learned yet? No. No I haven't. It's like some sort of Newbie-Lusting Disease. NLD. I'm NLD afflicted.

Knowing my luck, this means he will now reveal himself to be either an air-head, a sadistic, swindling asshole, a sadistic, torturing asshole, or a creepy, stalker-ish asshole.

This has thrown me so much I think I filled out my forms properly last night. Although, that could have been caused by the painkillers Xigbar gave me. (If they were painkillers in the first place. We never ask with Xigbar. Never. Ask.)

--  
Patrol Record #1048

Agent: Moi (Axel)

Clock-in Time: Va te faire mettre (9:12)**  
**Clock-out Time: Tu me pèles le jonc (3:23)

Encounters: Je t'emmerde (9)

Issues: Xaldin just got back from Beast's Castle and won't teach me any more French.

Comments: _Once again, please refrain from using profanity in __any language__ in official documents. 'Issues' should be used to describe any major problems encountered during patrol.  
_--

Buzzkill. I'm running out of loopholes.

**Day 331**

I may or may not have followed Roxas around all day. He's surprisingly normal in a grumpy sort of way.

This is very disappointing. I need the other shoe to drop quickly so I get back to my regularly scheduled non-life. Speaking of which, rumor is Luxord's having one of his poker nights tomorrow, which means he is probably out of munny and I need to quickly get some. Sure, he swindles us all blind, but the drinks are free. (This is most likely _how _he swindles us all blind)

Anyways, easiest place to get munny is from Heartless (I have this theory that they steal wallets in their down-time), which means Roxas the Heartless Magnet Wonder is coming with me whether he likes it or not. I'll even split the munny 60-40 if he helps me fight them off. I'm so nice.

I hope I don't do anything too weird tonight.

--  
Patrol Record #1051

Agent: Axel!

Clock-in Time: **9:00 **on the dot!  
Clock-out Time: 2:47

Encounters: over 9000! **257**

Issues: None because this is my last night of patrol! **Axel is such a child.**

Comments: _Your complaint is duly noted.  
_--_  
_  
**Day 332**

i'm definately not drunk. demyx is totally smashed tho. hes trying to teach xigbrr to play his fake guitar thing. its too bad xigbar has extra shitty vision when he's had too many sex on the beaches. (i think he gets thos just so he can order them reallly loud) i've got a...i don't know what i have. smells nice-ish though.

oh hey its my turn.

in case you forgot, im not drunk. not much anyways. see, i'm way too articulate to be drunk.

**what're you writing?**

nothing go away.

**why'd you just spell articulate out loud?**

so i would write it write.

**right.**

no, for serious.

**no, no. write it right. not write.**

dude, what have you had? your not making any sense.

**whatever. forget it.**

haha, oh shit. i think luxord thinks were counting.

**counting what?**

cards, stupid.

**why would you count? there's only 52, right?**

hahaha, you're so new.

LUXORD IS A PRICK

ha, i showed him we were'nt counting.

**yeah, he looks really happy about that.**

aw, youre so cute

**what?**

wait fuck pen doesn't erase.

**Day 332**

My life sucks.

**Day 333**

Ugh, I suppose I should be thankful I didn't have patrol yesterday, seeing as it was a horrible low point in my existence. At least everyone else was nursing hangovers too, so the castle was quiet. Well, Luxord was probably counting his munny and Mansex and Saïx were probably filing, but whatever.

Luckily, Roxas seems to have forgotten my retarded drunken flirting (trust me, it wasn't all captured on paper), so that's nice too. Alternatively, he could have learned from the Organization's example and is just holding onto the information for when he needs blackmail on me. I'm really hoping he forgot though; apparently he also ended up getting pretty toasted that night. (Zexion found him on top of the fridge the next morning, or so I hear)

I have no idea what to do with myself today without patrol to waste my time. I suppose I haven't explored the castle in a while...

Holy shit, there's like, a whole wing I've never seen before! I think the castle grows.

What if the castle's alive? Does it watch me when I shower?

**Day 334**

I had to run to the pet shop in Hollow Bastion today (and we so need to get a better portal-in spot than the Bailey. It's way too long of a walk.) to get cat shampoo because Xigbar and Demyx thought it would be _hilarious _to dunk the cat in yellow paint and let it run around. I am going to disregard the fact that this did make the cat easier to find.

Neither I nor the cat were pleased, and the bathroom may never be the same again. I spent the next hour putting disinfectant on the million and a half tiny scratches on my forearms. You'd think a talking cat could listen to instructions better, but _no_.

I was so close to actually naming the cat, but now I'm mad at him. Not to mention Xigbar and Demyx.

On the upside, there have been no mentions of Poker Night from anybody. Yesss.

**Day 335**

Larxene (I never notice when she gets back) and Marluxia were being all whisper-y on the stairs. They may actually have some sort of thing going on.

I _really _hope they can't reproduce.

I saw Roxas at dinner. I think he may be avoiding me.

**Day 336**

He _is _avoiding me. Awww. That's adorable! Maybe he's not all that bad.

No. No, he's still a mean jerk. I need to lie down. Ow, my foot.

* * *

Oddly enough, the hardest thing about writing this (so far) has been avoiding pop culture/internet-isms. I'm pretty sure some will still slip in anyways. :D (over 9000!) Oh, if anyone's curious about the French:

Moi - Me (haha, easy)  
Va te faire mettre - Go fuck yourself.  
Tu me pèles le jonc - You get on my nerves.  
Je t'emmerde - Screw you.

For the record, I don't speak French, I just like Google too much. 8D


	3. Day 337 to 356

**Day 337**

There's a shit storm brewing. I can _feel _it. Kinda like how old women feel storms coming. Except I'm young and hot.

Oh, and not a woman. That too.

There are no women in Organization XIII! Just twelve guys and a bitch! (Marluxia) Oh, I crack myself up.

**Day 338**

I think Demyx is missing. I hope Xigbar and Zexion don't notice, they both seem weirdly protective of him.

Ah, nope. False alarm. He's just off on a mission somewhere. No, wait, that's still a problem. I hope Mansex gave him written instructions this time. Once, he was sent on a grocery run to Traverse Town and came back with fourteen jars of honey from the Hundred Acre Woods.

It's _almost _like he listens.

**Day 339**

**Meet me in Twilight Town.  
**

**Bring munny.  
Also, stop leaving this laying around where people can read it.  
You're such a retard.**

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. This is either a date or a robbery. Arg, I can't decide! What if he does remember poker night and is finally exacting his revenge? Should I risk life and limb for the possibility of fun times? (And maybe sexy times?)

Who am I kidding? I'm totally going. (I'll bring a taser just in case though.)

...I really hope he didn't read the part about him running into the freezer door. Or the part where I stalked him for a day. Knowing my luck, it's unlikely that he didn't.

What should one wear for a date/mugging? 'Cause I want to look good, but I always want to be able to fight. Or run away. Whatever. It also needs to be easy access if things go _really _well.

...Of course this isn't a _problem _because I just happen to have one-size-fits-all-purposes black cloak. I hate it when pre-Nobody thoughts sneak up on me like that. Like that one time with the espresso machine, and, well, let's save that story for some other day.

**Day 340**

Turns out it wasn't really a date or a mugging, but some sort of halfway in-between kind of thing. Well, once I _found _the little asshole.

I had to search the entire town before I finally found him up at this freaky mansion that wasn't technically even in the city. I called him on that, too. Anyways, we went back into town, where he proceeds to use _my munny_ to buy those popsicles that Demyx likes. Then we took the train out to the beach and just sort of sat around eating said popsicles. Oh yeah, I paid for the train too. Jerk-face.

Then he starts to go on about how the beach makes him feel nostalgic or something (Roxas, if you read this, I was listening, I swear!) and starts beating me with a stick(?!) because that made him feel nostalgic too.

So we kinda fought/wrestled/threw sand and I totally would have won if he hadn't pushed me into the ocean. Damn my high center of gravity.

But then he smiled so I guess it was all ok.

**Day 341**

Fuuuuuck. Shit-storm Demyx made landfall.

So get this: While Demyx was cavorting about Atlantica, he got a little romantic with some red-head chick. This would have all been well and good, except for the part where he and Xigbar apparently have a thing. (This is both 'ew' and annoyingly obvious once it was made obvious. And the reason why Xigbar bought an aquarium.) And _that _would not have been shit-storm material in and of itself except for the part where Demyx had a thing with Zexion as well.

What. The. Fuck.

So now nobody is talking to anybody else, Demyx is confused as hell because he has a hippie 'free love' outlook on _everything_ (but is still repenting for his red-bottomed ways by not being with either of them and hanging out with Xaldin?)_, _Xigbar is trying hard to seem apathetic but is actually sulking on the ceiling of his room, and Zexion is filling his room with mothballs to cover up Demyx's smell.

Oh, and Mansex and Saïx are having some sort of tiff over who accidentally filed a Patrol Report in the Dangerous Individuals drawer. As always, signs will eventually point to me. I fucking hate Saïx.

But I'm doing good. I haven't said anything retarded to Roxas all day. Go me!

**Day 342**

I need to get out of this castle. I went to take a shower, and Vexen was in there 'collecting samples'.

I don't want to knoooooow.

**Day 343**

I'm gonna regret this so hard, but I signed myself up for some sort of recon mission. There's likely some well thought-out, elaborate write up on what I'm supposed to do, but there's truly an art to making it up as you go that evil bureaucracies simply don't appreciate. It's probably because you can't get art filled out and signed in triplicate.

Oh yeah, I'm headed to the Deep Jungle. I guess it's been on the quiet side lately, so I'm supposed to poke around and stir up some trouble. And of course the word 'covert' wasn't on the mission title. Lies. All lies.

**Day 344**

I found a plate of half-eaten pancakes in front of my door this morning.

I think the thing I miss most from my Somebody days is cause and effect. Now my existence is just an exercise in the non sequitur.

Wait, no, that's the fun part. Those pancakes were tasty, too.

...I don't think I've seen the cat in over a week. I wonder if he goes back to Wonderland when he disappears.

--  
Mission Report #34437

Agent: of Chaos

Location: Deep Jungle

Date: This month, this day, this year.

Mission: poke around without causing too much disturbance, otherwise they will run straightaway to the Gorilla Police who will have us all arrested. Seriously, it's the middle of nowhere in the middle of nowhere. I could play the alphabet on foghorns and no one would know we were there.

Conclusion: Not much to see except for a jaguar that would make a _fucking sweet _Nobody. I call dibs on credit right now.

Damage:  
Surprisingly little (infinity) (it's the gift that keeps on giving)  
Treehouse (1)

Expenses:  
Bug spray (1) x 500munny  
Sunsreen (1) x 455munny  
Aloe Vera (5) x 1100munny

Total 6455munny

Gains:  
Bugbites (17)  
Sunburn (1)  
Mysterious rash (1)

Comments: _As this has been a reoccurring problem, I have taken the initiative and put a calendar in your room. Reference it when completing all forms in the future. The Investigative Committee requests that you file an Individuals of Note form regarding the jaguar. Damages, Expenses, and Gains should all be tangible items of value. However, your expenses will be reimbursed._

_Please see Vexen about the rash, it would be most unfortunate if it were to spread to others.  
_--

I knew that mission would be a bad idea. I should really listen to myself more.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to burn my cloak and bathe in aloe vera. I just need to double-check that Vexen is nowhere nearby when I do.

**Day 345**

If I was Zexion and read too many books for my own good, I would mention that today is 3-4-5 Triangle Day, but I'm not, so I won't. Why don't you have some fun with _that _little paradox.

As for general updates, I still itch like hell all over, Demyx, Xigbar, and Zexion are still not talking to each other, and Larxene and Marluxia are still slinking about together.

I'm hungry. I wonder if Roxas knows how to cook.

**Day 346**

Roxas did know how to cook (somewhat). There were waffles outside my door (half-eaten, again). Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but he's so trying to win me over with breakfast foods. Not that he needed the breakfast foods to do so, I _am_ NLD-afflicted, if you recall.

Waffles are fucking awesome. Maybe I should buy him a present or something in exchange for the awesome waffles.

Ooo, there's even syrup for my waffles. How thoughtful.

Thoughtful waffles.

Waffles.

...Okay, it doesn't even look like a word anymore. Oh, and no change with the rest of the world. Still itchy, still angry, still creepy.

**Day 347**

I wonder when that calendar got on my wall; I'm pretty sure it wasn't there last week.

There was an omelet today. I kinda wish it was waffles again.

**Day 348**

**Look, if you want to talk to me, just do it. You don't have to keep leaving food outside your door and not showing up. Freak.**

Uh. Shit. If it wasn't Roxas leaving the munchies...

**Day 349**

Marluxia! _Fuuuuuuuck._

I could be _poisoned! _I...I think I'm going to be sick, and I haven't even thought about _why_.

**Day 350**

Demyx decided to finally show himself again. Apparently he convinced Xigbar and Zexion that they are both his very special fluff-muffins and they've forgiven him. Man, if only I had known that being naïve got you out of trouble.

Anyways, he heard that I was somewhat _perturbed _by the Marluxia-food thing, so he was doing his damnedest to cheer me up. I gotta admit, dropping water balloons off the balconies was pretty fun, well, until Mansex showed up. We relocated to Traverse Town after that.

Great, now he's probably gonna make some speech about how Nobodies are incapable of having fun or something like that.

**Day 351**

Yep, totally called it.

Also, my mysterious rash has grown into the shape of a really freaky smiley face. Curse: yes or no? **No, you're just being stubborn and not getting medication for it because that would mean seeing Vexen.**

...How does he keep finding this? Roxas, how do you keep finding this? **You leave it laying around wherever you go.**

Which means you're following me.

Roxas?

Come on, you know leaving me to my assumptions will just be more trouble for you.

Aw...

**Day 352**

I finally had to go on patrol again. I think three weeks without it was a personal record though. Whoo.

--  
Patrol Record #1135

Agent: of Destruction

Clock-in Time: 4:06  
Clock-out Time: 11:46

Encounters: Close, and of the Third Kind.

Issues: Marluxia has stolen the TV from the lounge and hidden it somewhere.

Comments: _Your movie privileges will be revoked if you do not cease to quote them in completely unrelated places (for example: meetings, forms). Also, 'Issues' should, once again, be relevant to the actual task the form is referring to, i.e. Patrol.  
_--

Saïx, _again_.

I still haven't figured out where Marluxia's gone and hidden the TV. I swear, if he's holed up somewhere just so he can watch Charlie's Angels reruns and get his Farrah-do _just right_ I'm gonna kill him. And then take the TV back. And then maybe kill him again because I still don't why he was leaving food outside my door.

**Day 353**

Word's going around that Mansex has got some sort of special project lined up, but no one heard it from anyone and no one knows what it's going to be, so...

Not all that helpful really.

Oh fuck, Demyx got on the roof again.

**Day 354**

Dear Diary,

My life is a spiraling abyss.

One: Marluxia has begun leaving me food _in my room _now. He's seen me sleeping. He may have even done scandalous things to me without my explicit consent. And he still hasn't brought any more waffles. (If he and Larxene are, in fact, a _thing_, I really hope she doesn't slaughter my ass in misplaced revenge.)

Two: I may have to go to Wonderland to find Cat. (Look, I named him!) Alternatively, I may have to go to Vexen's lab because he's captured Cat for some horrible experiments. Both are unpleasant and will require back-up.

Three: No changes on the Roxas front, and I saw him with Luxord yesterday. I...don't even know if that means anything.

Four: Saïx is an asshole.

Five: I'm worried that I may not be as awesome as I previously thought.

Mood: Apathetic

**Oh, get over yourself.**

On the upside, Roxas seems to still be following me.

**Day 355**

There was someone new in the castle today. I could have sworn it was the hot waitress from the pub in Traverse Town, but last I checked she was still alive and kicking. And the lady I saw was talking to a door.

Me and Roxas (er, Roxas and I; I think I knew an English professor when I was alive. Or maybe I was the English professor. And Roxas could have been my student, who needed to stay after class for some extra...assistance. We could have fucked on my desk. Or against the chalkboard. Maybe I wore ties just so I could blindfold him or tie him up or maybe he tied _me _up and...wait, where was I?)

_Anyways_, Roxas and I went on another ice-cream expedition. It was much better than last time because he didn't feel the need to attack me with a stick this go-round. We popped into Traverse Town on the way back and the hot waitress was still there.

**She wasn't all that hot.**

Comparatively, she is.

**So, what, you grade hotness on a curve?**

Yes. A standard Gaussian distribution to be precise. Since there are _talking ducks_ in Traverse Town, this places the hot waitress firmly in the 'hot' end of the spectrum.

**But that's only if you use the population of Traverse Town. If you include the other worlds, she'd likely end up on the high end of average.**

Uh, Pride Lands and Deep Jungle mean anything to you? Not to mention Halloween Town and Port Royal. If we're including those worlds too, she's hot almost by simple virtue of being human.

**But if that's the case, nearly all humans would be 'hot' and therefore doesn't make her an exceptional case of hotness.**

Damn it all, Roxas, she's the fucking hot waitress. She just _is. _She's been the hot waitress since Xigbar found her in his second week of being a Nobody.

**That's an appeal to tradition, it doesn't mean anything.**

You know what, you're not allowed to hang out with Zexion anymore.

**Day 356**

The hot waitress look-a-like was trying to climb into the oven this morning.

...

There's a tie around my doorknob. There is a _tie _around my doorknob.

Uh, I need to find Roxas. I think I can remember to not giggle like a retard.

* * *

Sorry that this took so long. ;; College started back up again and took over my life. And I can't sneak away and write during lecture like I could at my summer job. Even it's just a little bit, I made this chapter longer. :D What is Marluxia up to? Is Axel going to die a horrible death at the hands of Saix or Larxene? Where did the mysterious hot waitress look-a-like come from? Will Axel actually get some? Have I asked enough questions yet?

Find out next time. :3


	4. Day 357 to 384

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Kingdom Hearts.

A/N: So here's the fourth part, in which plotty-things kind of appear and Axel continues to be a doofus.

* * *

**Day 357**

Yesterday was most excellent. Yes, yes it was.

....myonlycomplaintisthatwedidn'tacutallyusethetie.

**Day 358**

Apparently, two day ago could have been more excellent than it was (But it was still very, very excellent). So far, the rumors have been far more tantalizing than the actual event. I wonder if mentioning this to Roxas would fix that problem.

**Day 359**

It didn't.

Xigbar tells me that three days after sexy-times with no follow up sexy-times is the appropriate point for someone to get on with their life. I think he's full of shit and still upset that he has to share Demyx.

You hear that Xigbar? You are just a bitter, bitter old man. With only one eye. Ha.

**Day 360  
**  
So I finally decided it was high time I found out if that Marluxia-Larxene thing was for real, which of course means stalking. And what do I find? A creepy sado-masochistic relationship defying the ideology that we have no feelings?

Noooooo.

I find that they have their own _castle_.

I hate it when Mansex plays favorites. This is so unfair!

And I still haven't gotten follow up sexy-times!

**Day 361**

So unfair!

**Day 362**

I talked to Larxene today. There were actual words. And by words, I, in fact, do _not _mean thinly veiled threats and vague suggestions of sexual incompetence. She also touched me. _And I did not bleed._

What does this kinder, softer Larxene mean for the world? There is only a certain amount of nice-ness designated for all life, so in return, some poor bastard must have become an asshole overnight. No, wait! I see now, it's all just a clever plan to lure me into a false sense of security. It's like a frog in a pot of water. She'll keep turning up the nice-ness until it boils over and I die.

Yeah, that sounds more like Larxene.

**Day 363**

I shared my Larxene story/theory with Roxas. He said I'd been hanging around Demyx and his fluff-muffins too much. I told him he just didn't know Larxene as well as I did. He made me a hat out of tinfoil. I offered to show him all the scars I had received courtesy of Larxene.

I have never seen a kitchen empty out so fast, but on the other hand, Roxas and I had ourselves a good time.

(So _there_, Xigbar. A week is a perfectly normal span of time between sexy-times.)

**Day 364**

I have no idea what happened last night, but this morning I woke up and there were bits of bagel all over my room, peanut butter on the walls, and Demyx sleeping under my bed. Apparently, a good time was had by all.

**Day 365**

Awww, Roxas and Demyx threw me a death-day party! There was cake (with black icing, most befitting for a death-day cake) and presents and shenanigans and Saïx and Mansex didn't even come and break it up! Most everyone else came, which was pretty cool, even though they were probably just there for the cake. I swear, if we weren't already in the Organization to get our hearts back, I think most of us would have joined for the desserts.

I hate to say it, but Marluxia gave the best gift of all; the gift of being a non-creeper for a day. This was both awesome and disturbing. Awesome because Marluxia was a non-creeper for a day, disturbing because this means he's aware he's a creeper and does it on purpose.

I'm sure everyone can surmise what Roxas got for me. Heh, heh.

...

It was a fire-extinguisher with a note that said: "For when Demyx is not close-at-hand."

I doused him with it so at least both of us would be unhappy and un-sexed.

**Day 366**

Roxas tried to make up for the fire-extinguisher thing with cupcakes, but I refuse to forgive him until I get death-day sex.

**Day 367**

Still on a death-day sex stand-off. Roxas thinks he's dignified by not giving sex as a gift, but I see nothing wrong with it as long as it's just one particular person you're giving the sex to. Otherwise you'd just be a hooker. A very poor hooker.

There were also a bunch more Heartless lurking around, so Mansex had nearly everyone out on patrol. You know, he makes a big deal about everyone pulling their weight, but I think all he does is fill out forms and drink champagne.

Okay, occasionally he holds meetings and monologues at the moon, but still.

-------------------------------  
Patrol Record #1176

Agent: Captain Blueballs

Clock-in Time: 9:35  
Clock-out Time: 1:53

Encounters: Non-sexual.

Issues: There is something woefully lacking in my daily physical routine.

Comments: _As has been stated before, numerical values are needed to empirically evaluate the value of an individual's work. If you find your physical abilities are not optimal, the gym is located on the floor below Proof of Existence, second door on the left from the Terrace of Oblivion.  
_-------------------------------

I can't tell if he's being condescending or deliberately obtuse. I WANT SEX, DAMMIT.

**Day 368**

I have been thwarted again. Roxas may desperately want to give me my well-deserved death-day present, but can't, because he's off in the middle of nowhere, a.k.a. the Pride Lands. Thanks, Mansex. Thanks a lot. Not only is Roxas very far away, he is also a lion.

I think I'll go complain to Demyx.

Demyx is gone too. Fine, I'll go complain to Xigbar.

He had a note on his door:

Xemnas - I left the reports with Saïx.  
Xaldin - I so won our last match. You're just being a pussy.  
Zexion - Demyx is coming with me this weekend.  
Saïx - Give my reports to the Superior.  
Axel - Whatever it is, it's your fault.  
Demyx - Pack a bathing suit.  
Luxord - I'm out of cash. Deal.  
Roxas - Ignore him, he's being a baby.

It's official. Everyone hates me. Whenever everyone gets back from wherever they are, I am going to have a word with all of them. But especially Xigbar for giving shitty advice.

**Day 369**

Everyone's still gone. I was forced to hang around Larxene and Marluxia all day. I have electrical burns and a rash now, but at least they aren't Saïx.

I fucking hate Saïx.

**Day 370**

I got to go to the other castle today. Apparently it's the...um....la, la, la, stuff I can't talk about, never mind. But Mansex called me into a special meeting and everything. It was badass for all of a minute, until I remembered this is Mansex we're talking about. You know, the guy who probably worked in a patent office in his previous life. I guess he wanted Luxord or Xigbar instead, but I was the only one still here, so that's what he got. Well, Demyx is back, but, well, yeah...

I was even gracious enough to ignore that insult to my person because nyeh, I'm in on the...thing... and they're not. Ha!

**Day 371**

**Hey, I'm back.**

Roxas is back!

And only a little smelly! **Fuck you.**

...

OH GODDAMN YOU, MANSEX, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT ME ON PATROL TONIGHT?

If this was a moral dilemma, the obvious answer would be 'sex with Roxas', but _no_, it's a 'Saïx will cut me into tiny pieces' dilemma and I really, really don't want that to happen. THIS IS HARD.

-------------------------------  
Patrol Record #1200

Agent: Axel, VIII

Clock-in Time: 10 or so.  
Clock-out Time: 3.

Encounters: A lot. 286 --Look, a number.

Issues: None. None at all. I am super-duper.

Comments: _The Review Committee acknowledges your efforts to include numerical data. However, we also encourage you to be more specific and accurate in your reports._

Problem solved. I brought Roxas with me.

The extra adrenaline was nice. Very, very nice. Uh, wow, I gotta lie down or something.

**Day 372**

That was the best death-day present ever. Even if it was nearly a week late.

Forgive me, Roxas, for doubting.

Your original present was still mean, though.

**Day 373**

At the other castle today. It seriously needs a name, and no one liked any of my suggestions. I wanted to call it the Castle Castlé, but Mansex didn't find it 'befitting of our image or purpose'. He's just gonna name it something weird or menacing, and that'll just cause trouble for everyone. Castle Cloak and Dagger, hm, I wonder if something nefarious is going on there.

Honestly.

Oh, _and_ I'm absolutely verboten to take Roxas there. I bet he thinks I'll be too distracted to work or something.

Which is totally true, but I have to disagree on principle.

**Day 374**

I actually saw Lexaeus today. I was starting to think he was dead or ex-communicated or something, but nope. Alive and well and not a blasphemer. If anyone was wondering.

I am starting to worry about Cat, though. I'd seen bits and pieces of him up until a week ago or so, but since then, nothing. I hope he's just gone home or something, because I really don't want to mount a search-and-rescue.

**Day 375**

Luxord just came back from his mission with _pirates. _Not only that, but it's some sort of long-term deal. Again, Mansex, with the unfairness! I even went up to tell him that, _clearly_, the only way to remedy this is to let me have my own ninjas.

He told me that my complaint would not even be acknowledged unless I went through the proper channels, starting with filing both a Notice of Complaint and Requisition Form.

So now I'm stuck deciding what I'm more offended by: not having ninjas, or having to fill out forms to get ninjas.

**Day 376**

I think it's the forms.

Be right back, inciting anarchy.

**Day 377**

Okay, so I found out that causing anarchy is really hard when no one else cares and there aren't a lot of rules to break in the first place. I mean, sure, there's the 'No Fun' rule, but I break that one at every opportunity I find, so that doesn't cause any more anarchy than normal. I can't even skip out on patrol cause I'm not scheduled for it right now.

Hmm. Graffiti might work. That's rather anarchistic, right? Oh, I can even steal the paint!

**Day 378**

I conscripted Xigbar, Demyx and Roxas to help with the graffiti. I don't think Roxas wanted to, but I informed him as my boyfriend (hee!) he was contractually obligated to assist in all my endeavors. I now have a target spray painted to my back, but he did help.

We didn't really know what to paint, so we just put a bunch of, like, angry faces on Mansex's door and soliloquy balcony-thing. I wrote 'NINJAS!' too, so he'll know it's from me, and that I still want ninjas. I never forget, Mansex! Especially not that time with the espresso machine, and that stupid uniform, and, actually, I'd rather not share that.

**Day 379**

Today I cleaned up all the graffiti. It was that or get a beat-down from Saïx.

I'm really bad at anarchy.

**Day 380**

I've put the anarchy on hold for the time being because I have a new mystery! Remember how there was a hot waitress look-alike running about the castle, talking to doors and climbing in ovens? (Uh, actually just one oven, and only the once, because, uh, let's just say she's in a better place now. Maybe. I actually only know what happens when people die from Heartless-munchings. Anyways.) Well, now there's another one. The new one was wearing a really tragic gothic-hula skirt thing, but it was clearly the hot waitress. This one is still pretty weird, but at least she doesn't have the self-destructive tendencies.

Oh, and I think Roxas is sneaking out at night. I hope he isn't *gasp* seeing other people. (I had to write in the gasp, because otherwise it sounds really whiny and not sarcastic at all. And it sounds sarcastic because I'm really not concerned. Nope. Not at all. Roxas, where are you going?)

**Day 381**

**I have patrol most nights. God, you're such a dweeb.**

See, no worries then.

I saw Vexen dragging the new hot waitress look-alike back to his lab. I'm hoping it's because the hot waitress look-alike is one of his cloning experiments or something because otherwise, eugh.

Someone really needs to buy that man a sunlamp and some shampoo.

**Day 382**

Turns out it is a cloning experiment of some kind. I thought Vexen had mostly given that up because they came out all deformed and gross, but apparently he got better at it. Now they're just kind of wrong in the head. I told him that might be a problem, but he just laughed and did that freaky thing with his eyes, where one gets all big and the other goes all squinty.

So I guess he's got that covered then.

**Day 383**

Roxas caught me trying to do the crazy eye thing in the bathroom mirror.

I still don't know how he does it. I just look kinda sleepy when I try. This sucks, Vexen isn't allowed to be more evil looking than me!

Oh, but we might have a solution to the ninja problem. See, my little Nobody things are assassins, and Roxas' (still hard to say) are samurais, and since Vexen can apparently clone things now, maybe if we made some kind of mash-up, they'd be ninjas.

That, or end up as some kind of freak with a gun-sword thing. That'd be retarded.

**Day 384**

You really don't want to know how the Nobody mash-up went. Really, I promise. I had to take three showers to feel clean again.

Where the fuck is Roxas? I want comforting!

And by comforting, I mean sex.

Okay, maybe a little actual comforting.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! It's getting a little tricky to keep the humor while trying to work in (what vaguely resembles) the plot from the games. So if you guys have any thoughts/suggestions on that, feel free to let me know.


End file.
